


dean's declassified apocalypse survival guide

by bloodymox



Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: F/F, Long-Ass Chapters, M/M, Multi, ambalor stans rise up, i type in all lowercase, i write so fucking much oof, perhaps a sex scene?, probably not slow burn idk, so much violence boutta happen, this fic is surprisingly happy for how dark it is...that makes sense right?, who effin knows, zombie apocalypse AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2019-11-13 00:03:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18021038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodymox/pseuds/bloodymox
Summary: dean teaches us how to survive a zombie outbreak, while trying his hardest not to fall in love (and failing miserably).





	1. tip 1: be a good person, sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> i hate myself for writing this fucking much

"you know you have to pay for this, right?"  
  
dean ambrose let out a groan. "oh, come on! it's the end of the goddamned world and capitalism is still a thing?"  
  
the cashier sighed. "i don't make the rules, dude. that'll be forty-two bucks."  
  
"fucking," dean pulled out a crumpled up fifty, then muttered, "keep the stupid change."  
  
once dean got back to his car, he slammed his head on the horn in anger. on his drive home, he made it a point to run over every undead piece of shit he saw limping around on the road. dean popped in an old guns n roses cd and cranked the volume all the way up; it's not like there was anyone alive to complain about it.  
  
once he got home, he yelled, "food's here, assholes! come get it before i eat it all."  
  
dean smirked at the sound of multiple pairs of legs running down the stairs. becky was the first in the kitchen, followed by seth and kevin. sasha and bayley were next, laughing and shoving each other as they entered. roman walked in last, rolling his eyes.  
  
"flair and zayn are still out getting ammo n' shit," seth said, before shoving half a poptart into his mouth. "did you remember to get dog food?"  
  
"a'course i did. KEVIN, FLEX!"  
  
soon enough, the click-clack of nails on the hardwood floor was heard, and little kevin made his entrance. the human kevin scoffed.  
  
"we really need to change that dog's name," he muttered. "where's the other one?"  
  
"flex is sleeping," bayley said, wiping juice from a strawberry off her lips. "he had a long day."  
  
after a few minutes of eating and light conversation, the back door opened, revealing a disheveled looking blonde woman and a redheaded man who was in about the same condition. the blonde sat down the duffel bag that was in her arms and sighed with exhaustion.  
  
"remind us," she said between breaths, "to wait to get weapons til it's our turn with the car."  
  
"and to go during daylight," the man with her added, "when there aren't as many zombies trying to eat us."  
  
"char, sami," bayley rushed over to help them. "we only needed ammo...what's all this?"  
  
sami nodded to the duffel bag. "open it."  
  
bayley did as she was told and gasped. "oh my gosh..."  
  
everyone else gathered around, staring into the bag in shock. there were all kinds of crazy things in there; a mallet, a sword, at least five machetes, some handguns, a wooden baseball bat, some nails, and enough ammo to last everyone a month. dean picked up the baseball bat and the box of nails; practically salivating.  
  
"oh, baby," he whistled, "this is gonna help me bash in so many skulls."  
  
sasha picked up the sword and smiled. "i've always wanted to be a ninja."  
  
"the dude at the register was all 'take whatever, it's the apocalypse,'" sami smiled, biting into a granola bar.  
  
"wal-mart is still making people pay for food," dean grumbled. "like...almost every other place is a deadzone. no one really needs money anymore. drove by a huntington, and the place was in flames!"  
  
becky shrugged, cocking her pistol. "the government still wants to pretend everything's fine; probably because the plague hasn't reached dc yet. apparently, ohio is keeping it at bay."  
  
"elias is out there right now," roman said. "he said that they're trying to build a barrier around columbus; trap 'em all there. zombies are too dumb to go the long way around, through kentucky."  
  
dean snorted. "didn't think elias would still be breathin'. glad to hear it."  
  
sasha stood. "well, i'm gonna check the barricades, then probably play mario kart til i pass out. you comin', girls?"  
  
"of course," bayley smiled. "goodnight, boys."  
  
"goodnight," sami smiled. "love you."  
  
becky ruffled sami's hair. "love ya too, zayn."  
  
as the girls went upstairs, kevin ran a hand down his face. "this shit sucks."  
  
"whaddya mean," seth asked.  
  
"fucking...," kevin sighed. "this. the whole...apocalypse thing. i mean...as a kid, i had this whole zombie outbreak survival guide, but i didn't think...right out of high school, we'd actually..."

a heavy silence passed over the room. all nine friends graduated from the same high school. just as the last real summer of their childhood began, boom; the zombie plague hit just north of their home in san diego. roman convinced his parents to head back to his home state of florida; insisting that he had to stay with his friends. sami and kevin were both exchange students from montreal, and they lived with bayley. seth's parents were vacationing in france (they were doing ok, according to him). sasha's parents were the fist zombies she encountered (she asked dean to finish the job; she ran back into the house and didn't leave her room for three days).  
  
charlotte's parents were loaded; she and becky had their own section of their house (becky's parents lived in their home country of ireland). the two decided to live with the rest of their friends. and dean? well...his dad was a deadbeat and left when he was five, and his mom committed suicide when he was six. roman's parents took him in, and that was that. they were just nine scared teenagers who were too used to tragedy for people so young.  
  
dean stuck a cigarette in his mouth and grabbed the car keys. roman grabbed his shoulder.  
  
"whoa whoa," he said. "where do you think you're goin'?"  
  
"out," dean said, lighting his cigarette. he grabbed the baseball bat, nails, and a hammer. "i'll be fine."  
  
roman sighed, then squeezed dean's shoulder. "be safe."  
  
\--  
  
dean sat at the top of slide, hammering the nails into his bat. soft 80s rock played from his phone, as he hummed along. the park was one of his favorite places to go to be alone; there were rarely any zombies around to bother him. and if there were any...there was nothing wrong with a little target practice. dean stubbed his cigarette on his boot, then tossed it to the ground. he sighed. then, in the distance, he heard a loud crack.  
  
dean stood, grabbing his makeshift weapon. he slid down the slide, then crept over to where he thought the noise came from. soon after, another sound was heard...a yell. he ran to the back of the park to find out what was going on, and had to suppress a gasp at the sight. there was a guy around his age, bashing in the head of (what he hoped was) a zombie with a croquet mallet. his face was bloody, and he was...crying?  
  
dean lowered his bat and walked a little closer. he cleared his throat for the other to hear. the man looked up in fear, his mallet raised.  
  
"whoa," dean said.  
  
despite the blood on his face and the tears in his eyes, the man was...beautiful. his short, near-black hair was a little disheveled, and his blue eyes were wide and alert. he had red lips and a slender, yet built frame. he wore fingerless gloves, a red tee shirt, black jeans and checkered vans. there was a jacket around his waist. he wiped at his eyes with his forearm, then dropped the mallet.  
  
"sorry," he said. "i'm not usually like this, i swear."  
  
dean raised his eyebrows. the guy was irish, like becky, and his voice was low and smooth. dean stepped over the bludgeoned zombie and held out his hand.  
  
"s'okay," he shrugged. "i'll pretend i didn't see that, and act like we just met. the name's dean ambrose."  
  
the man took dean's hand and smiled sheepishly. "i'm finn bálor."  
  
dean looked down at the zombie. the head was practically soup, but he must have been recently turned; his skin was pale and wasn't rotten. he didn't smell like zombies usually did; just smelled like blood. dean just now noticed that there were handcuffs around his wrists and ankles.  
  
finn sniffled. "anderson...he was bitten the other day by my other friend, gallows. told me to kill him before i got hurt...put himself in cuffs, laid down, and begged me to do it."  
  
"jesus christ," dean whispered. "that...that's horrible."  
  
finn smiled shakily as more tears began to fall. "just a day in the life, i suppose. what about you?"  
  
dean shrugged, twisting the bat in his hands. "just came down here to make this, and hang out. heard a yell, and thought someone was in trouble."

"well, i kind of am," finn laughed dryly. "gallows and anderson were all i had...now they're dead."  
  
"you don't...have any family?"  
  
"i do, but they're in ireland," he sighed. "well, there's my cousin becky, but...i think she's dead."  
  
"becky lynch?"  
  
finn looked up. "yeah...you know her?"  
  
"know her," dean laughed. "she's one of my best friends; she and her girlfriend live with me."  
  
"becky and charlotte are alive," finn looked ecstatic. then, dean had an idea. probably a dumb one, but an idea nonetheless.  
  
"how about this," dean said. "we head back to my house, you see becky and charlotte, and me and the boys have a talk. i think i can pull enough strings to where you'll have a place to live."  
  
finn's eyes went wide. "you...you'd let me stay with you? you hardly know me..."  
  
dean shrugged. "roman's house has plenty of space. besides, i may not know you yet, but this'll give me a chance to."  
  
finn seemed to give it some thought. he looked down at the corpse of what was once his best friend and nodded.  
  
"okay," he said, finally. "let's go."  
  
\--  
  
"becky, charlotte," dean called. "i have a surprise for ya!"  
  
"if it's another severed arm," becky warned, "i'm really gonna -"  
  
she stopped dead in her tracks, charlotte doing the same. dean patted finn's shoulder, who waved and gave a small smile.  
  
"hey, girls," he said, choking up. "it...it's good to see you."  
  
becky said nothing, crossing the kitchen in three strides before scooping her cousin up into a hug. becky put finn down and grabbed both sides of his face.   
  
"finn bálor," she whispered. "is it really you?"  
  
finn nodded, not trusting his voice to hold. he felt another pair of arms envelop him. he recognized the feeling of charlotte's hugs anywhere.  
  
"we thought you were dead," she said. "where are luke and karl?"  
  
finn let out a small sob, causing becky to gasp. dean looked away and shouldered his bat.  
  
"i'm gonna go talk to the boys," dean said. "be right back."  
  
he went into the hallway, cupped his hands to his mouth and yelled, "FAMILY MEETING!"  
  
sami and kevin emerged from their room, sasha and roman came from the living room, and bayley followed sami downstairs, a sleepy flex in her arms. they all gathered on the stairs. seth came from the bathroom and leaned on the railing. dean sat his bat on the ground.  
  
"so," he started. "while i was at the park, i came across...something..."  
  
"a cat," bayley said hopefully.  
  
dean shook his head. "even better: a guy."  
  
"a guy," kevin repeated.  
  
"yes," dean continued. "but not just any guy: becky's missing cousin, finn bálor. his friend got zombified, and he had to kill him...he has no one left."  
  
"lemme guess," roman raised an eyebrow. "you want him to stay here; become part of the crew."  
  
dean did finger guns at roman. "exactly."  
  
sasha thought for a minute. "bring him in here; i gotta see this 'finn' before i make my vote."  
  
"okay," dean smiled. "BEX, CHAR...BRING FINN IN HERE!"  
  
after a second, becky and charlotte entered with finn in tow. they had washed most of the blood off of finn's face and arms, and he looked a little less upset than he had when dean found him. finn stepped forward.  
  
"hi," he said. "i'm finn bálor...dean probably already told you. i, uh...did lacrosse in high school, so i run fast. i took kickboxing for three years back in ireland with becky, and i know how to use a slingshot, crossbow, and...croquet mallet...i also have a cat back at the house. her name is pancake."  
  
bayley smiled. "i'm sold."  
  
"me too," sasha shrugged.  
  
"ditto," sami elbowed kevin, who simply nodded.  
  
seth looked finn up and down and squinted, before ruffling finn's hair. "you got my vote, kid."  
  
"roman," bayley said. "it's your call."  
  
roman stood and walked up to finn. he put a hand on the smaller man's shoulder.  
  
"the zombie apocalypse is hard enough to live through," roman said. "but, living through it alone? i'd probably go insane...you don't deserve that. you can stay here; we'll go get your stuff in the morning."  
  
finn smiled sheepishly. "thank you...roman. it means a lot to me."

"but," roman said. "there's a few things you gotta know."  
  
finn nodded. "ok."  
  
"this is my house, and i got rules. those are on the fridge. we have a chore schedule on a dry erase board by the light switch in the kitchen; chores rotate everyday. since tomorrow is your first day here, you won't have any."  
  
finn smiled. roman continued, "only certain people are allowed to drive the car: dean, 'cause it's his, myself, charlotte, bayley and sami. they all take turns. everyone does the laundry from their own room; each roommate takes turns."  
  
roman paused to let finn take it all in. "no sneaking out. all of us here have lost enough people....we can't afford to lose each other."  
  
"got that right," sasha muttered.  
  
"and lastly," roman put his hand on finn's shoulder once more, "we are a family. we fight, we argue...sometimes we don't talk to each other for days. but, we love each other and trust each other. so, no secrets. obviously we don't need to know every time someone masturbates or something, but...you get the point."  
  
finn giggled. "i think i do. i don't really have any secrets...i'm gay, i love my cat and i know all the words to africa by toto. that's about it."  
  
"oh, yeah," sami laughed. "you'll fit in just fine."  
  
"there you have it," roman said. "meeting adjourned; everyone go to bed."  
  
as everyone went off in their separate ways, dean walked up to finn.  
  
"hey," he said. "so, uh. my room is in the basement, and it isn't much, but the couch up here is kinda uncomfortable. so, if you want..."  
  
finn smiled. "you want me to be your roommate?"  
  
"yeah, i mean...your only other option is seth, and he snores; roman likes his privacy."  
  
"well, you've convinced me," finn teased. "i'll try not to hog the blankets."  
  
dean laughed. "you'd better not, or you're sleepin' on the floor."  
  
"alright, alright," finn smiled. "thank you."  
  
"for what," dean cocked his head.  
  
"saving me...if you hadn't been at the park, i'd be alone for the rest of my days. i'm glad you were there."  
  
dean blushed. "eh, s'no big deal. just happy to help."  
  
finn yawned. "we should probably head off to bed, huh?"  
  
"yeah," dean bit his lip. "i've got like...pajama pants you can sleep in. pick out whatever. basement door is in the kitchen; i'll be down in a minute."  
  
finn nodded. as he walked away, dean sat on the bottom step and ran a hand through his hair. kevin was leaned against the wall opposite him.  
  
"jesus christ, ambrose," he said. "that was...awful."  
  
"i know," he grumbled.  
  
"what the hell have you gotten yourself into, man," he laughed.  
  
"i wish i knew, owens," he sighed. "i wish knew."


	2. tip 2: know how to swing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dean and finn run into a little zombie trouble, and dean tries to suppress his gay thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's some graphic zombie murder in this chapter, so be wary of that

dean's alarm went off, and he rolled over and groaned. he'd only slept for about four hours, due to the fact that there was a sleeping finn bálor right next to him. finn was all curled up like a cat; wearing dean's checkered pajama pants and old mortal kombat tee. dean usually slept in nothing but boxers, but didn't trust his idiot body not to act up, so he wore shorts and a tank top.  
  
dean shut his alarm off and cracked his back. finn mumbled something incoherent and pulled the comforter over his head. dean chuckled and shook him gently.  
  
"time to get up, bálor," he said. "we got a lot of shit to do today."  
  
"m'kay," said finn. "good morning."  
  
"sleep well?"  
  
"yeah," finn smiled. "and you?"  
  
"uh," dean laughed nervously. "i slept enough...let's eat some food and go get your stuff, yeah?"  
  
"yeah."  
  
during breakfast, finn made conversation with sami, charlotte and becky. seth sat on the countertop cleaning his crossbow; an eggo waffle hanging out of his mouth. human kevin was squinting at dog kevin (probably attempting to assert dominance). sasha sat next to bayley, who was feeding flex little pieces of bacon. roman stood with dean; the two leaning against the fridge.  
  
"how was your night," roman asked, the smirk evident in his voice.  
  
dean snorted. "i barely slept."  
  
"does he snore?"  
  
"what? no," dean elbowed roman in the ribs. "it just...it's hard to sleep soundly next to a guy who looks like _that_."  
  
the two looked over at finn, who laughed as becky ruffled his hair. he looked a lot better than yesterday; he'd showered and slept without worrying about being killed or turned into a zombie. roman smiled.  
  
"he is pretty cute," he said. then, he clapped loudly. "alright, everyone. time to get down to business."  
  
seth groaned. "aw, c'mon."  
  
"can it, rollins," roman said. "we're just gonna do the usual upkeep; reinforce barricades, take inventory on supplies. dean and finn, you guys are gonna take the car and go back to finn's place to grab his stuff. only grab what's necessary."  
  
"if you have any video games," sasha said, "be sure to get those. they count as a necessity, right?"  
  
"absolutely," seth nodded.  
  
"and any plants," bayley added. "they'll help liven up the place."  
  
finn chuckled. "will do."  
  
"enough," roman said loudly. "anyway...after dean and finn get back, me and owens are gonna make a run by the high school; see how they're holding up. i'm sure woods has it held down over there, but you never know. we all good?"  
  
"yep," sami said.  
  
"good enough for me...let's do it."  
  
\--  
  
"you just moved here? damn...what a welcome, huh?"  
  
finn sighed and changed the radio station; settling on 'she will be loved' by maroon 5. he tapped the rhythm out on his thigh. dean usually hated the passenger fucking with the radio while he drove, but he didn't really mind if it was finn...  
  
"yeah," finn licked his lips. "i'd gotten a text from becky about possibly meeting up; she told me the city, but not the address. the flight that got me here was the last one to fly in to california...probably forever."  
  
"jesus," dean shook his head and puffed on his cigarette. "that sucks."  
  
finn quirked an eyebrow. "you know that'll kill you, right?"  
  
dean snorted, and took another hit. "that's the plan, baby."  
  
"hm," finn said. "that's....kinda sad."  
  
"ah, well," dean tossed the cigarette butt out the driver side window. "death can't be any worse than what's going on now."  
  
"hey," finn put a hand on dean's shoulder. "all of your friends seem to love you. and, if you want to talk sometime...i'm here."  
  
dean was silent for a minute before saying, "thanks, bálor...same here."  
  
finn smiled, and the two spent the rest of the car ride in silence. as they reached the outskirts of the city, finn pointed to a street sign.  
  
"left here," he said. "it's the house with the blue front door; on the right."  
  
dean parked his car in the street. he popped the trunk to grab his baseball bat. finn pulled his croquet mallet from under the passenger seat and joined dean outside. he turned towards his former home and took a shaky breath.

"here we are," said finn. "home sweet home...come on."  
  
dean followed finn around to the back door. the irishman pulled a key from under the doormat and unlocked the door; taking a cautious step inside. dean looked around the place and frowned. what was probably once a beautiful home was trashed; there were broken dishes and ruined paintings everywhere. the fridge was open, causing the room to smell and the air to be cold. the furniture was torn and the tv was smashed. there was...so much blood on the floor.  
  
"just how i left it," finn laughed dryly. "let's find pancake; she's priority number one."  
  
dean nodded. the two stepped over broken glass and stuffing from the furniture. finn led him through the living room and down the basement stairs. they walked through a doorway into what looked like a laundry-slash-workout room; there was a washer and dryer in one corner, and a punching bag with boxing gloves in the other. finn grabbed a laundry basket full of folded clothes and snagged a beanie off the dryer, putting it on.  
  
"these are all the clothes i need for now," finn smiled sheepishly. "may have to make a few trips."  
  
dean shrugged. "we have a couple hours....or you can just keep wearing my clothes."  
  
finn looked down at himself and blushed. he'd borrowed a pair of dean's jeans and another tee shirt; sami lent him the jacket he was wearing. dean found it cute, in an odd way.  
  
"as long as it's okay with you..," finn trailed off.  
  
suddenly, there was the unmistakable sound of glass shattering coming from upstairs.  
  
finn set the basket down and hefted his mallet. he and dean snuck upstairs. they stopped a few steps down; finn peaked through the railing. dean did the same, and cursed at the sight: two zombies were trying to squeeze their way through the back door, which had a shattered window just big enough for a body to fit through.  
  
"god fuck it," dean muttered. "you go find the cat, grab whatever else you need and head out to the car. i'll handle these shitheads."  
  
"no, ambrose," finn shook his head. "you're outnumbered."  
  
dean shrugged, and held out his car keys. "just a day in the life. now, go!"  
  
finn looked hesitant, but took the keys and ran back down to the basement. dean walked the rest of the way upstairs and cracked his neck.  
  
"alright," he said. "let's see how this baby can swing."  
  
the first zombie crawled its way through the window and limped towards dean. once it was about three feet away, dean swung down in a huge arc; a loud crunch noise sounded as the creature's head broke open. blood and brain matter splattered dean's face and chest, and he smiled almost sadistically. once the zombie fell, he hit it over the head until it was practically nothing (just for good measure).  
  
dean looked up to see the second and now a third zombie forcing their way inside. he smirked....he shouldn't enjoy killing once-living beings as much as he did, but it was a great stress-reliever for the teen. the second zombie was a little slower than the first. dean adjusted his grip on the bat. as the thing got closer, dean crouched and took out its legs. once it fell, he swung down on the head like before. when he pulled the bat back up, an eyeball was stuck in one of the nails. dean plucked it off and threw it.  
  
"two down," he said to himself, "one to go...let's do it."  
  
this third zombie was a little smaller than the first two, but was also faster; at one point it was a girl, and it wore what looked like a track uniform...that explained why it was so quick. it advanced on dean, grabbing his bat and snapping its unhinged jaw at his face. dean grunted and used leverage from the bat to push the creature away. it stumbled over the carcasses of its buddies, which gave dean time to regain composure and take on a proper baseball stance. the zombie recovered, and hobbled back towards dean, screeching.  
  
"batter up, bitch," dean said.

he swung, and heard a sickening, wet cracking sound followed by two thuds. dean looked down too see the zombie's headless corpse on the ground; its neck oozing blood and puss. the severed head was on the couch a few feet away. dean cracked his knuckles and shouldered his bat. he smiled and wiped a bit of zombie blood from his eyes.  
  
"home run," he said. he turned around to see finn; bookbag over his shoulder, laundry basket in his arms, and what he assumed was pancake the cat laying on top of the clothes in said basket. finn was staring at dean in what was either awe or absolute horror.  
  
"um," dean grinned awkwardly. "took care of the zombie problem....got everything you need?"  
  
finn licked his lips and adjusted the basket in his arms. he looked up at dean through his (ridiculously pretty) lashes and smiled.  
  
"yeah," he said. "we're all set."  
  
dean loaded finn's things into the trunk as he got himself and pancake settled in the passenger seat. dean got in the car and gently scratched the top of the cat's head. she was cute: orange and really fluffy; probably an amercian longhair.  
  
the pair drove in silence for a bit before dean said, "hey, uh...sorry if i scared ya back there. i go a little overboard when it comes to zombie killin'."  
  
"no, you're fine," finn said. "i wasn't scared; quite the opposite, actually..."  
  
dean quirked an eyebrow. "oh? and what do you mean by that?"  
  
"um," finn absently stroked pancake's back. "it's...that's a conversation for another time."  
  
"understandable...you wanna go get a slushie?"  
  
finn's eyes lit up. "yeah! where at?"  
  
"there's a 7/11 like right down the road from the house. they don't make you pay for shit, and i'm friends with the cashier."  
  
"that's awesome," finn smiled.  
  
dean pulled into the parking lot and parked the car. finn got out of the car, pancake in his arms, and hesitated.  
  
"um," he said. "do you think i could bring her inside?"  
  
"oh, yeah," dean smirked. "ember loves cats."  
  
they walked into the 7/11, and dean took a deep breath in. the place smelled like bleach and strawberries. an odd combination, but comforting in a way. they made their way to the slushie station; dean always mixed the cherry and blue raspberry. finn settled on cherry. he got a little spoon and poured some onto it for pancake. she seemed to like it. as they got up to the register, the girl behind the counter looked up and gasped.  
  
"oh my gosh," she exclaimed. "can i pet your cat?"  
  
finn smiled. "of course! her name is pancake."  
  
"hello, pancake," the girl cooed, she then looked to finn. "i'm ember moon. what's your name?"  
  
"finn bálor," he held out his hand, which ember shook. dean coughed to get her attention.  
  
"oh, dean," ember said. "didn't seeya there! what's up?"  
  
dean shrugged. "same old, same old."  
  
"smashing skulls, i presume," ember laughed. she grabbed a roll of paper towels from behind the counter and handed them to dean. "go in the bathroom and wash your face off; ya look like an axe murderer."  
  
dean grumbled, but walked towards the bathroom anyway. once in there, he took a look at his reflection and grimaced. dean's hair was matted to his forehead with blood and sweat. his sunken, blue eyes were a stark contrast to the dried blood that was splattered on his face and neck. he licked at his lower lip, which was cracked and bloody from the dry californian summer.  
  
"jesus," he whispered to himself. "aren't you a sight for sore eyes?"  
  
he ripped off a few sheets of paper towel, ran them under cold water, and washed his face. he stared into the sink as a mixture of water and blood went down the drain. after a few minutes, he discarded the bloody paper towels and looked in the mirror once more. he looked better, to say the least. he could feel dried blood on his chest and groaned. he threw his shirt on the floor and washed off his torso.  
  
"hey, dean," finn popped his head into the bathroom. "you ok -"  
  
he stopped when he saw dean; shirtless and cursing about how annoying zombies and their stupid blood were. dean smiled sheepishly at finn.  
  
"hey," he said. "uh...you wanna come in?"

"yeah," finn's voice cracked, and he coughed. "um...yeah, sure. you need any help?"  
  
dean laughed. "nah, i should be good...how the fuck is there zombie blood in my belly button?"  
  
there was a pause, before finn laughed. "i...how?"  
  
"look at it," dean pointed aggressively to his stomach, laughing himself. "i had a fucking shirt on!"  
  
finn wiped at his eyes, and took the paper towel from dean. "here, let me just -"  
  
he crouched in front of dean and wiped at his stomach. dean suddenly wasn't laughing anymore. he sucked in a breath; trying not to think about how one of the most beautiful beings he had ever seen was crouched in front of him, tongue out in concentration, just inches from dean's -  
  
"there," finn stood up, putting the bloody paper towel in the garbage. "all good. you'll probably still need a shower, though; you kinda stink."  
  
dean swallowed hard and forced out a laugh. "yeah, i...probably. thanks."  
  
"you're welcome. you ready to head back?"  
  
"yeah," dean said. "just...gimme a sec. you can head out to the car, if you want."  
  
"ok," finn smiled. "seeya out there."  
  
as the door closed behind him, dean looked in the mirror again; his face was red, however, not from zombie blood.  
  
"jesus fucking christ," he said. "i'm going to die."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol i'm back and dean is doing his best to keep his mind out of the gutter (see how well it's working? lol poor guy)


	3. tip 3: don't try this at home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> someone gets stitches, and dean pierces some ears.

"kevin and roman should be back by now."  
  
becky shrugged, sharpening her knife. "they might've run into a couple'a undeads. kev brought the chainsaw, so they'll be fine."  
  
dean tapped at his collarbone. "i know, but still...i don't like it. maybe i should go down there -"  
  
"they're here," finn ran in, out of breath. "they have someone with them - they're in bad shape."  
  
dean and becky followed finn through the kitchen and out the back door. the trio ran to see what happened, and it looked pretty bad: roman and kevin were dragging one carmella van damme toward the house; she had what looked like claw marks going from her collarbone to the middle of her ribcage, and her tank top was soaked in blood.  
  
"get the med kit," kevin yelled. "hurry!"  
  
finn ran back into the house, while dean and becky rushed to help roman and kevin. the four worked to lay carmella in the grass, who winced in pain. finn came over with the med kit, along with everyone else in the house.  
  
"oh my god," bayley gasped. "what...how?"  
  
"a horde broke into the school," roman said. "they went after the underclassmen, and mella tried to be a hero....she got scratched."  
  
"you should see the zombie," carmella tried to laugh. "where...billie and peyton, are they -  
  
"they're fine," roman said. "i'm gonna cut your shirt open so we can look at your scratches, ok?"  
  
carmella simply nodded as roman pulled scissors from the med kit and worked on opening her shirt. the scratches weren't too deep, but they were bleeding steadily. roman looked to dean and finn.  
  
"you two hold her down," he said. "i'm gonna pour peroxide into the wounds to prevent infection, and it may sting."  
  
finn and dean did as they were told. as roman poured out the peroxide, carmella hissed with pain and instinctively tried to push roman away, but to no avail. roman gave her a chance to breathe, then nodded at bayley, who sat by carmella's side.  
  
"ok," she said, "i'm gonna use this needle and thread to stitch the middle scratch. the others just need some ointment, then i'll bandage you up. it shouldn't take too long; then you can lay down on the couch. okay?"  
  
"yeah," carmella said shakily. "am i...will i turn into a zombie?"  
  
bayley looked to roman, then pursed her lips. "hard to say...in the walking dead, scratches turned people. this is real life, however, so things may be different. now, let's get you all fixed up, yeah?"  
  
carmella gave bayley a weak smile. "okay...thank you, bay."  
  
"of course," she smiled back. "the rest of you can head inside; i've got it handled from here."  
  
"you sure," charlotte asked.  
  
bayley nodded and squeezed carmella's hand. "we've got it. don't we mella?"  
  
carmella nodded and shakily brushed the hair from her eyes. "we do...let's get it done."  
  
as everyone walked away, finn approached dean. "will she be alright?"  
  
dean shrugged, then stuck a cigarette in his mouth. "hopefully. from what i've seen, scratches turn people, but there's also a chance she could be immune completely."  
  
"immune," finn cocked his head. "immune as in...won't turn into a zombie at all? i thought complete immunity to the virus was a myth."  
  
dean scoffed and lit his cigarette. "then call me a miracle, because i've been bitten and i'm fine."  
  
"really," finn looked awestruck. "where were you bitten?"  
  
dean smirked. "my upper thigh. i'd show ya, but i think that'd be...improper."  
  
finn bit his lip and looked away. "yeah, uh...probably. it's cool you're immune, though."  
  
"yep. now, c'mon," dean slung an arm over finn's shoulder, "let's go play some smash bros or somethin'."  
  
\--  
  
"you cheated!"  
  
"no i didn't," finn said. "how - is it really possible to cheat in smash?"  
  
"you spammed up b," dean pouted. "i can't hit you if you keep fucking teleporting!"  
  
"that's the point," finn grinned. "wanna go again?"  
  
"no thanks," dean snorted. "might go to bed, actually. it's been a long day."  
  
"oh, yeah; zombies, injuries, cats...the whole shebang."  
  
"the whole shebang," dean repeated.  
  
there was a comfortable silence before carmella entered the living room and sat down on the couch. she winced.  
  
"ugh," she said. "that was...not fun."

"i bet," dean said. "you're one tough cookie, mella."  
  
she smiled triumphantly. "got that right. zombie scratched me and i still managed to beat the shit out of it."  
  
"you should've seen dean earlier," finn said. "he took out three zombies all by himself."  
  
"ah, stop, it's not that impressive," dean said.  
  
"don't be modest," carmella lightly shoved dean. "that's awesome! you're like...deadpool er somethin'."  
  
"yeah, deadpool," finn smiled. "good one, carmella."  
  
she smiled. "you're finn, yeah? bayley told me about you while she fixed me up. your cat is really cute."  
  
"thanks! she's a big baby; loves being the center of attention."  
  
"her and me both," carmella flipped her hair, then yawned. "anyway...all this bleeding and amateur surgery has made me tired. i'm gonna nap, and i'll talk to you boys tomorrow, yeah?"  
  
"of course," finn smiled. "it was nice meeting you, carmella."  
  
"likewise," she nodded. she laid down and pulled a blanket over herself, doing her best to get comfortable. "g'night."

once carmella was asleep, dean sighed and laid doen on the floor, with finn doing the same. a silence fell between the two before dean spoke.  
  
"i'm thinkin' someone purposely let the zombies into the school," he said.  
  
finn looked over to dean. "whoa...really? why would they do that?"  
  
"dunno," dean shrugged. "but that school is a fortress. it was even before the apocalypse; the windows only opened three inches and the glass on the doors is an inch thick."  
  
finn thought for a moment. "yeah, there's no way a zombie could get in without some help...maybe a door was left open by accident?"  
  
"hope so," dean said. "i don't wanna think of any of those kids as a traitor, but...i guess you never know. if it was intentional, there's only about sixty kids down there, so it wouldn't be hard to sniff out a rat."  
  
"that's true." finn bit his lip before saying, "maybe we could go down there tomorrow and check it out. us, and maybe sami and becky; just in case."  
  
"hm," dean ran a hand through his hair in thought. "yeah, that sounds like a good idea. for now, though," he stood, "we should get some sleep."  
  
"yeah." finn poked dean in the ribs. "but, you still need a shower. you stink."  
  
dean gasped in mock offense. "wow...you come into my house, sleep in my bed, wear my clothes and this is the thanks i get?"  
  
finn stuck his tongue out at dean, who did the same.  
  
"jesus, you guys are children."  
  
finn jumped at the voice. he and dean turned around to see one kevin owens with a towel over his shoulders; hair dripping slightly. kevin snorted.  
  
"ambrose, if you're gonna shower," he said, "i'd hurry up before charlotte gets in there;  you know how long she takes."  
  
"shit, you're right," he said. "finn, you can just do whatever til i'm done. there's snacks, movies, and we still have internet so if youtube is more your thing -"  
  
"thank you dean," finn giggled. "i'll figure somethin' out. enjoy your shower."  
  
dean laughed awkwardly. "yeah, uh. i will.'  
  
\--  
  
after dean got out of the shower, he looked in the mirror and sighed. even without the blood all over his face and chest, he didn't look much better, in his opinion. he had a scar on his nose from hopping a fence, and his lip ring was definitely infected. one of his front teeth was crooked and the dark circles under his eyes were awful. dean looked down to his chest and frowned. while he had strong arms and legs, his torso left a lot to be desired; his ribs were showing and he had a scar right on his left nipple from trying to jump out of a tree and into a lake. he didn't have any abs or anything; just flesh and bone.  
  
when dean looked back into his own eyes, he squinted. he turned his head to the side and looked at his ear piercings; one in each ear...maybe it was time for a couple more. he opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out the needle and peroxide; when he'd gotten his lip pierced, the piercer warned against self-piercing...dean really didn't care. he knocked on becky's door, which was half open.  
  
"come in," she called.

dean walked in to see the aforementioned redhead laying on her bed, phone in hand; tanktop on and...pants off. becky is as becky does. dean snorted.  
  
"really becky," he said.  
  
she shrugged. "it's my room, an' i'll wear what i want to. whaddya need, ambrose?"  
  
"gonna give myself a couple more piercings; got any earrings i can use?"  
  
she waved over to her dresser. "there's a lil' box on there and there's some rings and studs in there; take whatever."  
  
"thanks, man," dean smiled. he dug around a bit before grabbing two studs and a ring.  
  
"try not to bleed everywhere," becky called as dean left.  
  
dean grabbed the needle and peroxide and headed down to the basement. upon entering his room, he almost dropped the supplies in his hands. sitting on his bed was a shirtless finn bálor, clad only in boxers and some socks with corgis on them. dean coughed.  
  
"uh," he said, "hey."  
  
finn smiled sheepishly. "hey, yourself. should i - do you want me to put a shirt on?"  
  
"nah, you're good," dean said. "i like your socks; they're kinda cute."  
  
"thank you," finn nodded to dean's hands. "what's all that for?"  
  
"oh, uh...i'm gonna give myself a couple more piercings. one above both the earrings i've got and one," dean tapped the top of his ear, "up here."  
  
"is that sanitary?"  
  
dean shrugged. "doubt it. wanna watch?"  
  
"sure...please be careful."  
  
dean smirked; finn was sweet. he poured peroxide onto a cotton ball and dabbed it on both ears to sanitize the area. then, he pulled out his lighter and held the needle over the flame to sanitize it. as dean pushed the needle through his ear, finn winced. dean snorted.  
  
"y'alright," he asked.  
  
"doesn't that hurt?"  
  
"like hell," dean smiled. he twisted the needle around a bit before pulling it out and replacing it with an earring.  
  
"one down," said dean, "two to go."  
  
before dean could put the needle to his right ear, finn put a hand on his thigh.  
  
"wait," finn said.  
  
"what? i know what i'm doin' finn, it's ok -"  
  
"i know," he said. "um...would you...pierce my ears?"  
  
"i mean," dean said, "i'm no professional, and they might turn out crooked, but...if you really want me to..."  
  
"i do," finn said, and dean could tell by the look of determination on his face that he was serious.  
  
"alright, well...lemme get your ears cleaned up and the needle sanitized." dean wiped off the bit of blood that was on the needle, then held it over the lighter flame once more. he grabbed another cotton ball and wiped off finn's ears.  
  
"okay," dean said. "i'll be honest: it's gonna fucking hurt. and there will probably be blood."  
  
"i know," said finn. "i'm ready."  
  
"ok...," dean pushed the needle through finn's ear, and the irishman sucked in a breath. dean moved the needle around a little, then pulled it out and put a stud in its place.  
  
"first ear done. you ready for the other one?"  
  
finn touched the new piercing and nodded. he smiled at dean.  
  
"this is kinda fun," he said. "we're like...bonding in a way."  
  
"bonding via self-inflicted bodily harm," dean nodded. "i dig it. here comes the right ear."  
  
finn gripped at his thighs as dean put the needle through his ear. once dean put the stud in, he pulled back and smiled; dabbing at the piercing with a cotton ball.  
  
"there ya go," he said. "looks good."  
  
finn stood and walked over to the full length mirror dean had against the wall. he turned his head a few times to see the piercings from different angles. he turned to dean and grinned widely.  
  
"i love them," he said. "i think i pull it off."  
  
"hell yeah," dean smiled, lightly elbowing finn in the side. "ya look hot."  
  
finn's cheeks turned a light shade of pink. "really?"  
  
"a'course," dean put the needle and peroxide on his dresser. he stretched; completely oblivious to the way finn's eyes flicked to his hipbones as he did. "ready to hit the hay?"  
  
finn nodded. "yeah, i think so." he climbed into bed, with dean following soon after.  
  
dean turned off his bedside lamp and rolled over. he sighed and started to drift off to sleep; counting the freckles on finn's back as he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm going sicko mode and updating bc mania is TONIGHT and i'm HYPE


	4. tip 4: trust (almost) no one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dean and the crew go down to the high school and learn nothing and everything all at once.

"never thought i'd have to be back in this hellhole," dean muttered, flicking ash from his cigarette onto the ground.   
  
he turned to finn, who was nervously clutching at his crossbow. sami was tightening the gun holster on his thigh, and becky shook her head.  
  
"can't believe there might be a traitor in there," she said. "speakin' of, how's mella?"  
  
"she seemed fine this morning," sami said. "she was in the kitchen, eating seth's emergency pop tarts."  
  
dean snorted. "he won't be happy about that. you guys ready?"  
  
finn exhaled. "yeah, i guess."  
  
dean went up to the front door and did the "secret knock" (the opening notes to the super mario theme). soon enough the door slowly opened just a crack, and xavier woods popped his head into view. when he saw dean, his face lit up and he swung the door all the way open.  
  
"dean," he said, "it's great to see you! and becky, and sami and -," he cocked his head when he saw finn. "mystery man with anime boy eyes."  
  
finn blushed and smiled. "my name is finn bálor, i'm becky's cousin."  
  
xavier shook finn's hand. "nice to meet you! i'm xavier woods: co-leader of the high school unit. c'mon in, guys."  
  
he stepped aside, and everyone followed him through the lobby and into the commons. there were lunch tables all around the room with various teenagers lounging at them. there was a stage near the front of the cafeteria, and there were a few couches with kids napping on them. xavier loudly cleared his throat, and only a few kids looked over. he rolled his eyes, and dramatically cleared his throat again. once he had everyone's attention, he smiled in satisfaction.    
  
"everyone," xavier said. "look who's back."  
  
upon seeing dean, becky and sami, the room was filled with excited murmurs and tired smiles.  
  
"who's the other guy," someone (ruby riott, dean thought) asked.  
  
"this is finn," xavier said, putting a hand on the irishman's shoulder. "he's cool."  
  
"he's hot," someone else (definitely dana brooke) said.  
  
there were a few giggles, before dean banged his bat on the ground a few times. the room went deadly quiet as dean put out his cigarette and tossed it in the trash. he stepped forward.  
  
"it's nice to see you guys again," dean said. "i'm glad that you're holding up pretty well over here. unfortunately, we didnt come back just to say 'hey'."  
  
"carmella is back at our house," sami said, "and she's hurt bad. a horde got in here while roman and kev were doing their rounds. there hasn't been a single breech during the two months this has been going on."  
  
"which means," becky said, absently wiping off the barrel of her shotgun as she spoke, "that someone here let those fuckers in on purpose."  
  
it was then that the room erupted into chaos. some people yelled, some gasped and natalya neidhart looked like she was going to be sick. dean banged his bat on the ground again to get everyone to be quiet.  
  
"hey, now," he said. "before all of you turn on your friends and develop bloodlust...me and my crew are gonna have a look around; see if there even is a traitor after all, or if security is just ass."  
  
"if there is a traitor though," sami said gravely, "they'll be dealt with...this place is supposed to be safe. the very thought that someone here would do that just...it's disgusting."  
  
"that being said," dean continued, "you all go back to doing your thing; we're gonna have a look around."  
  
there were some murmurs throughout the room, and everyone slowly started go back to what they were doing, though there was a tension in the air. becky sighed.   
  
"well, gentlemen," she said. "shall we?"  
  
as the four walked down the dimly-lit halls of the school, dean nudged finn.  
  
"hey," he said. "you've been awful quiet since we got here. what's wrong?"  
  
finn shook his head. "it's just...disturbing. i mean, most of these kids probably don't have families anymore. they live in a high school and probably already have nightmares. now, they have to worry about the only place they call home being overrun by reanimated corpses."

dean ran his hand along the lockers as they walked. he stopped and grabbed a picture from one of them. it was of candice lerae, johnny gargano and tommaso ciampa on prom night; all smiling and dressed up, without a care in the world. dean put the picture back and sighed.  
  
"it pisses me off," he muttered. "we tried to make sure this place was as safe as possible for everyone who wanted to stay, and now it might be the most unsafe place to be."  
  
finn put a gentle hand on dean's back and gave him a small, yet reassuring smile. "don't worry, dean," he said. "we'll get it all figured out."  
  
dean gave returned finn's smile, and the pair jogged to catch back up with sami and becky. becky was popping her head into every classroom, asking if anyone knew anything about the previous day's attack.  
  
"ya sure you didn't see nothin' outta the ordinary," she asked.  
  
dean looked into the room to see tyler breeze flat ironing his hair, his face ridiculously close to the mirror in front of him. fandango was laying next to him absently scrolling through twitter.  
  
"not that i recall, no," breeze said. "how 'bout you, dango?"  
  
"didn't see a thing, breezy," said fandango. "though, if i recall correctly, billie kay and peyton royce were there when it all went down. maybe ask them?"  
  
sami nodded. "thanks, boys. stay fashionable!"  
  
tyler looked at sami through his reflection and winked. "oh, we will. good luck with your investigation!"  
  
becky pushed up the sleeves of her tee shirt and sighed.   
  
"so far, no one seems to know anything," she said. "and i doubt billie or peyton are to blame; they love carmella."  
  
"it wouldn't hurt to ask, though," finn said. "maybe they saw something out of the ordinary...y'know, aside from the fact their friend got mauled by a zombie."  
  
"only one way to find out," becky muttered.  
  
\--  
  
"- so the zombie was all, 'grr, i'm gonna eat your brains!', and mella was all like, 'ahh!', and me and billie were like, 'oh no!', then -"  
  
"peyton," dean cut in. "all i asked was if you saw how the zombies got in; i didn't need an autobiography."  
  
peyton blinked a few times. "oh, right! yeah, the door under the high school stairwell was left propped open."  
  
"so it was an inside job," sami whispered. "oh my god."  
  
"even weirder, though," said billie, "wasn't the fact that the door was propped open, but what it was propped open with."  
  
she reached under the teacher's desk where she was sitting and pulled out an old-fashioned oil lantern. dean picked it up and inspected it. he'd only seen lamps like those in the movies, or fake ones with switches. the one billie showed was really old. out of curiosity dean turned the little knob, and it lit up with a small flame.  
  
"jesus," he said. "this thing is, like...the real deal. the hell is it doing here?"  
  
peyton shrugged. "beats us. after roman and kevin killed the zombies, me and billie came out from under the stairs. she saw the lantern, and i suggested we take it; probably belongs to whoever let the undead creeps in."  
  
dean turned the lamp off and sighed. "thanks, girls," he said. he took a sticky note and a pen from the desk and scrawled something out. then, he handed it to billie. "ask around and see if anyone knows anything about that thing. here's my number; call me if you find anything out or need my help. ok?"  
  
"will do," said billie. "thank you guys. and it was nice to meet you, finn; wish it was under better circumstances."  
  
"so do i," finn said. "thanks for your help."  
  
"anytime," peyton called as they left. "when the apocalypse ends, give us a call. maybe we'll have a double date; us two, and you and dean."  
  
dean rolled his eyes. "lesbians. always getting ahead of themselves."  
  
becky gasped in mock offense and elbowed dean. "don't stereotype, asshole! besides, you bi boys are the ones always causing a ruckus.  
  
he gave becky a look. "who's stereotyping now?"  
  
becky flicked dean off, who returned the gesture. sami sighed and looked at finn.  
  
"children," he said. "i live with a bunch of children."

"ya gotta love 'em, though," finn said with a smile.  
  
as the four got back into the commons, everyone had seemed to have calmed down. kofi kingston, another co-leader of the high schoolers, approached dean. they fistbumped, and kofi grinned.  
  
"great to see you, man," he said. "you find anything out?"  
  
"good to seeya too, kofi," dean said. "and yeah, we found something...but it doesn't really help much."  
  
kofi nodded. "i got you. what'd you find?"  
  
dean showed him the lantern and told him about billie and peyton. kofi looked it over with a mix of both fascination and concern.   
  
"that's...really odd," said kofi. "maybe it's a symbol for something?"  
  
"or a warning," becky muttered. "somethin' about that old lamp seems familiar, and not in a good way."  
  
"yeah, becky's right," said sami. "that thing's really giving me the creeps."  
  
dean sighed. they had enough to worry about in the zombie apocalypse itself. now, they had a lantern-wielding creep who seemed to like the idea of trying to kill their fellow classmates and causing a mass panic. kofi set the lamp down on a table and rubbed at the back of his neck; he looked tired.  
  
"i'll hide this somewhere safe," he said. "i'm gonna ask my boys if they have any idea who it might belong to...hopefully we can get this all sorted out quickly. i don't want anyone to riot."  
  
dean chuckled. "yeah, that's probably the last thing you need around here." he turned to becky, sami and finn. "we should probably head out; it'll be dark soon. seeya soon, kingston."  
  
kofi nodded. "right back at ya, ambrose. stay safe out there."  
  
"will do," dean said, saluting.  
  
the drive back to the house was mostly quiet, save for the sound of zombies wandering the streets (and the sound of dean mowing one down with his car). as soon as dean closed the car door, he was met with the sight of roman and sasha jogging towards him.  
  
"well," sasha said. "what did ya find out?"  
  
dean groaned. he cracked his neck, then lazily waved at sami and becky.   
  
"they can tell you," he said. "i feel like shit and wanna sleep."  
  
"it's only," roman looked at his watch, "eight thirty...you alright?"  
  
"'m fine," dean mumbled. "g'night."  
  
"i should -," finn hesitated. "i'm gonna go with him."  
  
"yeah, you do that," sami said. "goodnight."  
  
as dean trudged toward the house, finn followed. once they got in the house, finn put a hand on dean's shoulder.  
  
"hey," he said softly. "what's wrong?"  
  
dean opened the fridge and grabbed a monster. he cracked it open and downed half the can. then, he took a deep breath.   
  
"i'm just...tired," he said. "so fucking tired."  
  
finn frowned. "you sure that's all?"  
  
dean shrugged. "i dunno. i just feel like - i think this whole apocalypse thing is finally getting to me. after sixty-two days, it's hitting me: half the people in this town are dead. some of which i was friends with. me and everyone i love goes around riskin' our lives everyday just to eat. it's fucking bullshit. the government isn't doing shit to help us and, to top it all off, someone in the high school is out for blood. i just - i'm tired, man."  
  
there was a stretch of silence before finn pulled dean in for a hug and, in that moment, it took all of dean's willpower not to have a full-scale emotional breakdown. he put his arms around finn and buried his face in the shorter man's shoulder. dean felt himself begin to relax and pulled away slightly, though he kept his arms around the irishman's waist. he noticed how close his face was to finn's and swallowed hard.  
  
"um," he said, "thank you...i probably needed that. i don't like to talk about it, but. i'm kinda touch-starved."  
  
finn grinned. "i could tell...it's kinda sweet, in a way. guess i'll have to hug ya more often, then."  
  
"maybe so," said dean. he yawned. "wanna get some sleep?"  
  
finn stretched, and dean did his best (and failed) not to look at the visible strip of the lean muscle that was bálor's stomach. finn gave a sleepy smile.  
  
"yeah," he said. "i feel like i'm gonna pass out."  
  
the two went downstairs and, upon entering his and finn's room, dean sighed.

"jesus h. christ," he said.  
  
"what's wrong, dean -," finn said, but stopped in his tracks at the sight before him.  
  
carmella was curled up on the bed, pancake stretched out at her feet. there was a piece of paper on dean's desk and he picked it up. it was a note that read, 'there's no room in the bedrooms and the couch is bad for mella's stitches. thanks for understanding!! xoxo, bayley :)'. finn read the note over dean's shoulder and giggled.  
  
"oh, bayley," he said.   
  
"i'm gonna fight her in the morning," dean grumbled.   
  
he gently scooted carmella closer to the wall-side of the bed, doing his best not to wake her. he climbed in next to her and held the blanket up for finn, who crawled under. there wasn't much room so, when dean turned on his side, he brushed noses with finn.   
  
"oh, uh," dean mumbled. "sorry 'bout that."  
  
finn smiled warmly. "don't worry about it. we're practically cuddling anyway, so there's no point in fighting it."  
  
dean chuckled. "yeah, i guess so."   
  
he pretended not to notice finn snuggling closer. dean could smell the body wash on finn, and his breath smelled like cinnamon. dean prayed to whatever higher power that might be listening that he didn't smell that bad.  
  
"you smell nice," finn mumbled tiredly, as if he was reading dean's mind. "like cologne and cigarettes...very dean-like."  
  
dean gulped. "i'm - thank you."  
  
finn hummed. "you're welcome....goodnight."  
  
"yeah," dean whispered. "goodnight."  
  
dean laid there for a bit, listening to the soft breathing of carmella and finn. he looked down to see pancake making her way up the bed, laying down in the small space between dean and carmella. pancake yawned and curled into a little ball. dean ran a hand down her back and sighed, wondering just how the hell he'd gotten to where he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's back lol. i enjoyed writing this chapter so much


	5. tip 5: forget things are bad and nap instead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dean teaches carmella a thing or two, and finn gets a bad feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey i'm here to drop this and then crawl back under my rock. pretend i was never here lmfao

"gone? what do you mean 'gone'?"  
  
"i mean," said kofi, "that the stupid thing is nowhere to be seen."  
  
dean sighed and ran a hand down his face. he and carmella had gone to wal-mart to get some more gauze and peroxide for the med kit, when dean got a call from kofi. he'd said that nothing had changed in the two weeks since dean's visit, except for the fact that the lantern (which kofi had insisted was well-hidden) was now missing. now, dean was having a minor breakdown in the medicine aisle of a moderately-crowded department store while carmella was deciding which acrylic nails she liked the best.   
  
"okay, just," dean grumbled. "search high and low for the fuckin' thing, and maybe set up a night watch to see if anything suspicious happens."  
  
"alright," kofi said. "sorry for losing the lamp."  
  
"if it was stolen, you can't blame yourself. just....please stay safe."  
  
"will do. bye, dean."  
  
"bye," said dean. he turned to carmella, who seemed to be set on some inch-long, aqua-colored fake nails. dean tried for a smile. "all set?"  
  
mella grinned. "yep! oh, also: i have a question."  
  
"yeah?"  
  
she bit her lip. "would you be willing to uh...teach me how to use a shotgun? if i decide to go back to the school, i wanna be able to keep myself and my friends safe, y'know?"  
  
dean scanned their items in the self-checkout and put them in a bag. he hummed. "yeah, i think i can do that."  
  
on the drive back to the house, carmella hummed along to the radio, absently braiding her hair. dean smiled. he found carmella's positive aura comforting; she reminded him of bayley in a way. both girls were optimistic and kind, but tough. it was nice. once the pair got home, they were immediately greeted by finn and pancake. finn was mixing something in a bowl, and pancake was taking up the rest of the counter space. carmella scratched the cat's little head and looked over finn's shoulder.  
  
"whatcha makin'," she asked.  
  
bálor grinned. "chocolate cake. and i'm gonna homemake some cream cheese frosting and dye it blue."  
  
"ooh," carmella said. "that sounds really good. what got you in the mood to bake?"  
  
finn shrugged. "just figured we all could use a little something to sweeten up our day, considering all that's happened these past few weeks."  
  
"speaking of which," said dean, "i gotta talk to you, bex and sami once that's in the oven; i got a call from kofi about the thing."  
  
"uh oh," finn said. "i'm assuming bad news?"  
  
dean only sighed. finn shook his head and poured the cake batter into a pan. he grabbed an oven mit and carefully placed the dish into the oven, then set the timer. he gave a sad smile.  
  
"let's get bex and sami, yeah?"  
  
dean nodded. he found the aforementioned redheads in the living room watching some body painting show on netflix. dean sat next to sami on the couch, carmella and finn doing the same.   
  
"got a call from kofi," dean said.   
  
"oh yeah," becky asked, not looking away from the screen. "what'd he have to say?"  
  
dean grimaced. as he explained what kofi said, carmella glued acrylic nails as finn watched. when dean was done, sami ran a hand through his short curls and sighed.  
  
"that's so weird," he whispered. "what's so special about an oil lantern?"  
  
dean shook his head. he wasn't sure what the asshole who let the zombies loose was up to, but he was intent on finding out. becky blew a bubble with the gum in her mouth and shrugged.   
  
"who cares," she said. "i just wanna find who's doin' this and beat their ass."  
  
"sounds good to me," dean muttered. he turned to carmella, who had just finished gluing on her last nail. "you ready to learn the art of the shotgun?"  
  
she looked up and grinned. "absolutely! we just gotta wait for this glue to dry."  
  
"in the meantime," finn said, "who wants some cake?"  
  
\--  
  
"when you hold it, you don't want it against your shoulder," dean said. "the kickback from the shot will be strong enough to dislocate your shoulder."  
  
"oh, jesus," carmella said. "ok...like this, then?"

dean hummed. he and carmella were in the backyard for the shotgun lessons he'd promised her. she was good at following instructions, and seemed serious about wanting to learn. seeing her in her sleeveless crop top, hoop earrings and acrylic nails, anyone else might think she wasn't a force to be reckoned with. they would be wrong.  
  
"lookin' good," dean grinned. "now, as you take your shot, you wanna exhale slowly so you don't tense up. got it?"  
  
carmella nodded. "got it. okay...here we go."  
  
she breathed out slowly, bit her lip and pulled the trigger. the shot echoed through the backyard, and the sound of shattering glass was heard. carmella gasped and dropped the gun.  
  
"oh my god," she shouted. "i hit it! the bottle literally exploded. did you see it?"  
  
dean laughed and took a drag from a cigarette. "you did! you sure you've never shot a gun before? like...ever?"  
  
she nodded excitedly. "yeah, i'm sure! oh my god...i can't believe i did that. i'm like. a certified badass now."  
  
"you are," dean said. he elbowed her lightly. "i knew you'd be a natural."  
  
carmella was beaming with pride, and (though he didn't want to admit it) dean's heart melted a little at the sight. he stubbed his cigarette and cracked his neck.  
  
"that teaching stuff is hard work," he said. "'m gonna take a nap."  
  
carmella grinned. "you do that," she hefted the gun up over her shoulder. "i'm gonna show bayley my mad skills."  
  
dean rolled his eyes. "i'm sure she'll be charmed."  
  
when dean entered his room, he was greeted with the sight of finn on the bed, absent-mindedly stroking pancake as he was deep in thought. dean sat next to him and scratched the cat's head.  
  
"you ok, man," he asked.  
  
finn looked up and tried for a smile. "yeah, just. it's weird, but i have this...feeling."  
  
dean raised an eyebrow. "a feeling?"  
  
"it's hard to describe," finn said, "but recently i've just had the feeling something bad is about to happen. maybe it's because i'm not used to things going so well for this long."  
  
dean hummed. "it's probably nothing. i get paranoid like that sometimes. nine times out of ten, nothing comes out of it."  
  
finn nodded. a comfortable silence fell between the two, then dean took his shirt off and laid back on the bed. he sighed.  
  
"i'm tired as shit," he said with a chuckle.  
  
finn shifted to lay next to dean, pancake hopping off his lap and meowing in protest. dean looked down at the brunette and grinned, finn returning it in kind.   
  
"nap time," finn asked hopefully.  
  
dean nodded. finn pulled the blanket up over himself and curled up into a ball. dean smiled softly.  
  
"nighty night," he said.   
  
"g'night," finn said.   
  
dean sighed. while there was a lot going on, what with the lantern situation and finn's ominous warning, dean felt there was always time for a nap...especially with finn bálor sleeping soundly next to him. dean sighed, dozing off to the rhythm of finn's steady breathing, forgetting about everything else for at least a little while.


End file.
